Good morning, class!

Let us begin with a pertinent reminder. Say it with me, now…

GRAMMAR IS YOUR FRIEND. 

Louder, please…

GRAMMAR IS YOUR FRIEND!

Much better. However, as many of you already realize, Grammar Queen is not here to be your friend. Grammar Queen is here to INSTRUCT YOU IN THE RULES OF PROPER GRAMMAR. 

Ah, yes, I’ve heard it all before. “But this is real life. We start sentences with and and but. We use incomplete sentences. We sometimes say ain’t, or even to WHO it may concern.” 

My dears, Grammar Queen is here to ensure that when you do break the rules of grammar, you are not breaking the rules that truly matter. 

Oh, and there are so many that do matter (to GQ, at any rate). Far too many, in fact, to cover in a single lecture, or even two or three or ten or twenty! So for this session, I shall select three rules in particular that, when broken, never fail to grate upon my grammatically sensitive nerves.

Do not dangle your modifiers. 

No, no, no, I am not referring to your overly long beaded necklace that is dragging through your soup. Let me offer some examples. 

Incorrect: After searching the house, Myra’s reading glasses turned up next to her computer. 

Correct: After searching the house, Myra found her reading glasses next to her computer. 

Incorrect: While mowing the lawn, Project Guy’s new white sneakers became soiled with grass stains. 

Correct: While mowing the lawn, Project Guy soiled his new white sneakers with grass stains. 

The point here is that the phrase that begins each of these sentences modifies the subject of the sentence. Project Guy’s shoes obviously were not mowing the lawn, and Myra’s reading glasses were not searching the house. Need I say more? 

Do not confuse possessives with plurals. 

Possessives indicate possession. Plurals imply more than one. How much simpler can it be? One of Grammar Queen’s greatest annoyances is coming upon one of those darling little carved wooden signs indicating ownership of a cabin, boat dock, or some other such charming property. Perhaps you have seen them: 

Myra simply needs a sign that states this lovely home is where the Johnsons live. No need for the possessive form. Therefore the sign should read: 

As for the James family (entirely fictional, I should add), Mrs. James mistakenly ordered this sign…

when it should correctly read:

Yes, yes, I know the “es” attached to James seems like too much . . . something or other. But trust me, this is the correct way to imply that the entire James family, not just Mrs. James, owns the cabin (unless she invested her personal savings without telling her husband). 

It would also be correct to say: 

Welcome to the James Cabin 

Here, “James” is simply used as an adjective modifying “Cabin,” so again, the possessive form is not necessary, nor is the apostrophe in any shape or form! 

Unfortunately, Grammar Queen could go on ad infinitum on the subject of grammatically incorrect wooden signs because she has seen far more in one lifetime than any true grammar aficionado can abide. So we must move on. 

Do not forget who is calling whom. 

Now we come to the eternal who versus whom debate. “Who” is a nominative case pronoun; “whom” is a subjective case pronoun. But what you call them is not nearly as important as how you use them. To simplify, “who” performs the action of the verb; “whom” receives the action of the verb (or in other uses becomes the object of a preposition, which is a subject unto itself). 

Even in my tricky little heading above, “who” is still performing the act of calling “whom,” even though here “who” follows the verb “forget.” Any questions? 

Lest we decide Grammar Queen is becoming slightly too picky, remember that in casual speech, the incorrect use of “who” will seldom be noticed (other than by moi, of course).

On the other hand, using “whom” incorrectly usually makes even the most intelligent among us appear quite pretentious if not scathingly illiterate. 

That is all we have time for today, but I promise to return soon with another insightful grammar lesson.

Is there a grammar topic you’d most like GQ to address in an upcoming lecture? Post your questions and comments below, or feel free to send them to me personally using this comment form.

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